flooding: when sharing becomes disconnection
(the importance of pacing in vulnerable conversations)
the opening
While on a coaching call with an incarcerated client, they shared that childhood memories have been opening up for them since we began working together. They were surprised how parts of their life, once inaccessible, suddenly started to come into view. As past experiences started to move out of their blind spot they were able to understand more and more about their current life. This awareness moved them more into choice.
the spilling
On our call, testimony from their past began spilling out of them. One traumatic experience after another after another after another. Most listeners would not have been able to stay engaged after the first telling, but it was important to remain embodied. I also began noticing their increased disconnection with each shared experience though.
The pace was too quick, and too sensitive, for an interruption. Then they laughed. The laughter became the moment to bring presence and reflection into the conversation. I invited them to slow down; to stay connected to themselves, and the listener. I shared that staying connected is only possible when we allow for a slower pace. In the absence of slowing down there is only flood.
understanding flooding
Flooding often occurs when trauma narratives are shared in dysregulation—in either, or both, the speaker or listener. (Flooding can happen with joyful things as well, however, we're often socialized to accept embodied expressions of joy more than rage, grief, shame, fear, etc.)
Flooding coupled with suppression can also create the illusion that flooding isn't occurring. Flooding in a person conditioned to "keep it pushin'" can sometimes be mistaken for strength.
Flooding is not always noticeable.
Flooding is also subjective and situational. If someone has a greater capacity to hold "data" while remaining regulated, then while this is a stressor, the boughs may not break. In a different moment though, even for a skilled facilitator, the boughs may break.
the invitation to slow down
When working with my client I asked them to slow the conversation so that they could notice the rising water levels, the seepage, the cracks, before any breakage. I also wanted them to honor that in an environment of high stress—the carceral system, or an empire romanticizing a brutal past…again—our needs may be higher, and that honoring those needs is wisdom.
Do you notice when you are flooding?
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